7 Steps To Re-Attract A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

If you’re wondering how to win back your dismissive-avoidant ex, you’ve come to the right place! We’ll discuss the “how” – the steps to reconnect with your avoidant ex – and we’ll dive into the mindset you need to execute the steps effectively.

Step 1: Engage the “mind” of a dismissive avoidant ex

Reach out in an emotionally neutral and intellectually engaging way. 

In another article, I discuss “odd reasons the avoidant ex comes back.” One of those reasons is that avoidants return to relationships where they have a strong intellectual connection; this can also include hobbies and professional goals. For many avoidants, an intellectual connection IS an emotional connection! It’s what gets them excited and energized. 

Most of the time, when a relationship ends with an avoidant, it’s because it becomes too emotional and pressurized, less enjoyable, and more stressful. So, if you want to reconnect with an avoidant ex, focus on engaging with them in a way that they’ll be receptive to. 

Message them about your shared love of music, science, entrepreneurship, surfing, or that show you binge-watched together. Tell them about that recent article you read about your common interest. Engage the part of them that could talk about a certain topic all day. Did your avoidant ex teach you something interesting? Or expose you to something new that you decided to run with, like a new career or a new hobby? Talk about that!

Step 2: Avoid being left “on read” by doing THIS

Now, if your dismissive avoidant decides to engage with you and you establish some healthy rapport, it might be tempting to quickly ask them to meet up or to start talking about your relationship and reconnecting. At this point, simply focus on whether they’re open to connecting with you and if there’s still a connection between the two of you. 

A dismissive-avoidant is more likely to be drawn into a connection that feels positive and emotionally low-investment, especially in the beginning, and think of this as a new beginning.

Step 3: “Take a Breather” with your dismissive avoidant ex

If you’re feeling a connection and the conversation is flowing well, it’s time to take a breather. This means finding a natural stopping point in your chat, perhaps after liking their last message. Then step back and focus on your own life. 

It’s easy to get carried away with excitement, but it’s crucial to avoid acting hastily. By taking this pause, you allow your dismissive-avoidant partner to appreciate the positive interaction without feeling pressured. Building trust with a dismissive avoidant is often about giving them space and time without any added pressure.

Step 4: Reinitiate the conversation with the avoidant partner

Once you’ve taken a break, it’s time to resume the conversation. You can do this a few times, typically 2 to 3. A positive indicator is if your dismissive-avoidant ex initiates the conversation themselves. This demonstrates their willingness to engage and signals that trust is growing in your connection. This is particularly promising if they previously felt overwhelmed or suffocated in the relationship, as it indicates progress toward repair. However, refrain from discussing the relationship unless they bring it up. Keep the conversation light, playful, and engaging.

Step 5: Transition to in-person conversation

If you maintain a consistent connection for a few weeks, consider suggesting a casual meetup with your dismissive avoidant ex. Opt for low-pressure activities that don’t feel like high-stakes dates. Suggestions include grabbing coffee, engaging in an activity you both enjoy, such as biking or hiking, or attending an interesting event like a comedy show. The goal is to create an environment that eases the pressure off the conversation and allows for natural interaction.

Step 6: Let the dismissive-avoidant ex initiate THIS!

Moving slowly is key to reconnecting romantically with your dismissive-avoidant ex. They prefer taking their time and aren’t typically eager to rush into relationships. If they’re willing to reconnect and spend consistent time with you, it shows they’re interested. Focus on building a connection rather than pushing for a commitment. In successful reconnections, it’s often the avoidant ex who brings up the relationship first. Avoidants demonstrate care through actions, such as spending quality time or helping with tasks. By avoiding pressure for commitment, you increase the likelihood of them committing to you.

Step 7: THIS is the MOST important thing to remember

The final and most important step to re-attracting your avoidant ex is not something that you “do” or say, but it’s “how” you come across. It’s your energy! Your ability to “take it or leave it”! The reason this is important is that when people first meet each other they’re feeling each other out and they’re not attached yet and they are detached from the outcome. This is a healthy and secure place to come from to attract a partner and get into a relationship.

By the time we go through a relationship, we become attached, we project all kinds of things onto our partner, we have uncommunicated and sometimes communicated expectations of each other, and we have a slew of disappointments and resentments. This is not an exciting and hopeful place to “reenter” a relationship! 

You must get back to a place of neutrality and possibility not just to reconnect with a dismissive avoidant ex but for YOURSELF.

Finally, drawing from my own experiences of dating avoidants and unintentionally re-attracting them without actively trying, I can confidently tell you that the key to re-attracting an avoidant lies in your personal growth and sense of security. Speaking from these experiences, every time I’ve reconnected with an ex or inspired them to commit to a relationship with me, it’s been because I’ve undergone significant personal growth and become more secure within myself.

It’s important to emphasize that this transformation doesn’t happen overnight.

I had to grow to a point where I felt confident around my ex, to the extent that they noticed a positive change in me. I reached a level of detachment where I simply enjoyed our time together without the need for the relationship to progress.

No longer was I idealizing or obsessing over them, and I honestly questioned if they were the right person for me, avoiding any urge to push the relationship forward.

This is important because when you have this attitude where you see someone as an equal, and you enjoy your time with them but you’re unattached your personality shines! You are your most wonderful self! Maybe you already know when you feel this way because you act this way around your friends or people you feel comfortable around. And that is what your ex was initially attracted to in the first place. 

This is why I coach people from heartbreak to security! So that if OR when they decide to reconnect with their ex they are doing it from a place of confidence and clarity. Your confidence will allow you to put your best foot forward and your clarity will allow you to see this person for who they really are and CHOOSE to explore things with them on your terms. AND it doesn’t happen overnight! 

That’s what the Recover Restore Reconnect 3-month coaching program is for.

It’s the three months you’re going to spend doing the inner work on yourself and about this relationship where at the end of it your ex will say “you’ve changed”! 

So that you can Recover from your breakup. Restore your security and self-worth. And Reconnect and only if it’s right. I encourage you to apply to this program if you; 

*Want to and are willing to reflect, dig deep and grow… JUST AS MUCH as you want them back *Are ready to step into the next “secure” version of yourself! 

*Desire to overcome symptoms of grief, anxiety, rumination, and obsession so that you can feel like yourself, again

If you resonate with my voice and want to partner with me on your healing journey then I encourage you to apply here.


Book a One on One Coaching Session here if you…

*Want to experience what it might be like to work together

*Desire clarity about your relationship with your dismissive avoidant ex 

*Want to customize the strategy in this article to your unique situation 

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