5 “Weird” Reasons The Dismissive Avoidant Ex Comes Back

Let’s discuss the sometimes “weird” reasons the dismissive-avoidant ex can come back to a relationship! These odd reasons will give you more insight into the mind of your dismissive avoidant ex or if your dismissive avoidant has come back these reasons could be why. I also wrote an article with a similar title with additional reasons the avoidant ex comes back. You can check that out next.

Comes back to a “more” avoidant partner?

A Dismissive Avoidant (DA) may return to a relationship with a more avoidant partner. If a dismissive avoidant was with a partner who was more avoidant, then likely, in the relationship, there was an absence of anxiety and concerns being projected onto the less avoidant partner. Thus, what that leaves is a lot more space and time in the relationship, allowing more time for the less avoidant partner to fantasize and fill in the gaps.

And yes, DAs do fantasize, and they do experience longings and anxieties underneath their avoidance. Therefore, after a breakup, the less avoidant partner could return to a more avoidant partner if they experienced these feelings.

The anxieties and limerence that I’m describing are symptoms of attachment. So, if the less avoidant partner was more attached to the more avoidant partner, they are more likely to return because generally, people who are more attached in relationships are the ones who end up coming back to that relationship.

dismissive avoidant ex

Dismissive avoidants value intellectual connection

If you and your DA partner share a high degree of intellectual, professional, or hobby-related connection, they may return.

DAs can often thrive in areas of life that are more cerebral and less emotional. This attachment style tends to focus more on having things in common. They may look for that in a relationship — activities, interests, hobbies, passions — and often, it’s this attachment style that will value this type of connection highly over a more emotional one.

The dismissive-avoidant might return to this type of relationship or connection because they view it as distinct or rare. This is the kind of relationship where they may feel most connected because they’re not burdened emotionally, and they’re being stimulated intellectually, physically, or whatever is the “unique” common ground they share.

Dismissive avoidant ex comes back because they “long” for you!

The dismissive-avoidant ex might return to you if they have had a chance to long for you or if your relationship was full of longing. Now, keep in mind that just because you are in no contact with a person with this attachment style, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re going to long for you. Of course, being out of contact can generate longing, but it’s not guaranteed. So I want to give that caveat here.

Remember that the dismissive-avoidant has an insecure attachment style, and all people with an insecure attachment style in their relationships long for more. They long for the connection and the degree of connection that they never got. They long for more love and more depth, even if they don’t show it. Some relationships are full of this type of longing. Maybe they’re long-distance, or maybe there’s limerence on both sides.

When the two parties come into contact, if your relationship was imbued with a sense of longing for whatever reason, a longing that never got resolved, that never got fulfilled, it’s more likely that they’ll return to you.

dismissive avoidant ex

Dismissive avoidant comes back to a hot and cold partner

A dismissive-avoidant may return to a relationship if you were the hot and cold partner. The concept of intermittent reward and its addictive qualities play into this. So basically, when someone is there and then they go away and then they show up again without any kind of regular rhyme or reason, and this happens multiple times, this can become addictive for people.

People with insecure attachment styles are a lot more prone to fall into these types of unstable relationships. The DA and FA match can engage the DA in the relationship because the DA may be satisfied and fulfilled when the fearful-avoidant partner is around. And also, okay, when the fearful-avoidant partner sometimes deactivates or takes more space because it satisfies the DA’s need for space and time.

So, if this is your dynamic and things end the DA partner may return.

The avoidant hurt you

If the dismissive-avoidant messed things up with you, then they are more likely to return.

Let’s say that the dismissive-avoidant couldn’t give you something, but they wanted to(for instance more time or more consistency), or they made a mistake or did damage to your relationship, and they’re aware of that and they feel guilt or sorrow for that. Maybe they even acknowledged that they felt bad for it, and then the relationship ended. Either you ended it because of their mistake or they ended it because they couldn’t give you what you wanted, but they would have, again, really liked to, then the DA might return.

And here’s the caveat here. This is one of those situations where you might need to reach out to them for them to return. I know it might seem unfair to be the one reaching out when they screwed up. But sometimes people with this attachment style harbor so much guilt and shame that it paralyzes them from taking action or they come to the conclusion that you may never want to hear from them again.

If you’re unsure about reaching out to your DA or if they might return, I recommend booking a session with me. We’ll explore your situation, assess your DA’s current state, and discuss communication strategies. You can book a session here. 

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