The men I coach on a day-to-day basis deeply value intimacy, desire intimacy at the stage of life they’re in.
At the same time, these men deeply value their freedom!
They don’t want to feel smothered in a relationship. They want to keep their independence. They want a woman who can support him AND give him his space.
Contrary to popular belief, these two desires; the desire for freedom and for intimacy are not mutually exclusive.
Yes, you can have both – with some effort.
But here’s what’s not going to work for you… searching for a magic woman who’s going to read your mind about what you need and just get it!
Here’s why going about it that way is a losing battle – a man’s primary value that he craves is typically freedom, while a woman’s is connection and love.
I’m talking about from a hard-wired biological perspective.
I’m not saying men don’t value love(clearly you do or you wouldn’t be here reading this article) and I’m not saying that women don’t value freedom.
One of the reasons that you’re attracted to her in the first place is because of your differences, not because of your sameness. It’s your differences that create polarity which generate the feeling of attraction you.
So how can you have both freedom and intimacy, when it feels like your desires are contradictory?
First, you want to acknowledge your differences.
You think that if a woman was wired like you that things would be simpler, but the reality is that if she was wired like you she wouldn’t even be on your radar.
Next, acknowledge that you do want closeness and that it’s possible that you don’t have the tools yet to show that without feeling like your sacrificing your deepest need for freedom.
Be willing to set aside your pride, your resistance, and your fear of entrapment.
Instead, focus on verbalizing your need for space in a compassionate, loving way.
Your bridge between freedom and intimacy is communication.
If you don’t know how to communicate, you can start by giving it importance and put focus into it the way you put focus into your other ventures.
You must be willing to be misunderstood sometimes without making her “wrong” for it and immediately drawing the conclusion that she will never understand.
If you’re really smart and humble you can ask her to teach you, because she’s an expert at connection, remember.
You might also have compassion for her experience and for your differences.
And if you’re really desiring of “amour” you might even will yourself to compromise, or look a little bit deeper and question your resistance and your fear.
You could let go of the fear that love will consume you.
Because true intimacy and love won’t suffocate you, it will free you of your own shackles.